Apr 28 • 6M

Why Everyone Hates Will Ferrell

(Because he loves children)

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Erik from Reno, Nevada asks,

“I was looking forward to your insight on the more specific point in [last week’s] question about being a married couple who’s opting to not have children. It certainly comes with its challenges, like meeting friends and other couples. My wife and I are in our mid-30’s, and after some very difficult and honest discussions, we’ve decided that having children is not for us. Meeting other people our age is difficult because most do have young children. It’s not that we have anything against that - not at all. But a big thing we’ve noticed is that the couple with kids often feels like we simply cannot relate to them, so the friendships typically trickle off. And of course they’re navigating all the difficulties in raising a child which we understand is a major constraint on their time and resources (which is one of many reasons we’ve opted out). But it does feel like the couple with kids often judges us and looks to us as ‘taking the easy way’ bc we’ve opted to not have children. Nick, do you have any advice or thoughts on this aspect?”

Erik, thank you very kindly for this great question.

Let’s be honest, people who have kids, also known as “breeders” or “parents”, are the worst. They have guzzled the Kool-Aid of the human race cult and they need everybody to know that they have figured out how to successfully procreate. That they would even think that the reason we don’t have kids is because we haven’t been able to fully discern how the respective genital accessories latch or dock together is preposterous. What kind of idiot couldn’t tell how the corn dog part with the kiwi 2-bag aligns on or in the different butt cracks and holes? It’s so obvious, duh. I’ve done it tons of times.

For real, though, that epoch of change during which children arrive to (or are purchased by) some members of any friend group is rife with drama, indeed. Megan and I lost friends to child-rearing, plenty of friends. Like Will Ferrell and his wife, for example, who gave birth to seven (as of the time of this writing) gorgeous, Swedish otter-children, who they just wouldn’t shut up about. Will, especially, became so simply obsessed with these tow-headed mammals that he began to attack anyone who asked him to put away the photo albums he was constantly forcing on anyone within arm’s reach (and that guy has an insane wingspan). He was playing a video of his child Jørga singing Dancing Queen, and it was cute enough, sure, but it was during our wedding ceremony and we asked him to wait he flew into a rage and loudly bad-mouthed me, Megan and all NBC comedies. That’s how he became the most despised man in America, and why nobody will ever make another movie with him, I assume.

So, if you’re thinking about having kids, and you’re friends with me or Erik, please let the ballad of Will Ferrell serve as a cautionary tale.

Another technique to surviving this friend-child rift is to understand that couples with small children desperately want to get away from those little monsters, and who better to do this with than a couple of hip, childless friends? Tell ‘em to get a sitter, hit up their locally sourced butcher for some responsibly raised pork, say an 8 or 9 lb. shoulder butt, and get their fannies over here. I guarantee they’ll say yes.

Love,

My dear Muleteers, thank you for tuning in for this episodes sagacious advice. Do please leave me your questions in the comments below and if you’d like to see all the video jazz on the weekend, do please pony up your filthy lucre.