Donkey Thoughts with Nick Offerman
Donkey Thoughts with Nick Offerman
Grandpa Dick

Grandpa Dick

My book cover goes well with affection.

Grandpa Dick of the internet asks, “Was wondering if that angered, torturing look that you wear is real or a costume (though it does complement flannel). Not exactly the persona that my granddaughter would be drawn to...”

Thank you very kindly for your question, Grandpa Dick.

I’ll start off my answer by admitting to a touch of confusion at the generalized nature of it. Your query. When you cite my “angered, torturing look”, what exactly is it that you are referring to? I guess when, and where, is what I’m asking. Could it be my general demeanor as I traipse happily through life, visuals of which are, I suppose, somewhat on display on social media and on the internet generally?

The time I was awarded “Most Caucasian” Photo Credit

Or do I live near you? Perhaps you have seen me on a semi-regular basis at that stop sign down the way, the one where people love to accelerate straight through without stopping, presumably running late for a meeting of the local chapter of the Genius Club. In traffic, especially in my fair but complicated city of Los Angeles, I imagine that my face might run through an entire panoply of grimaces and grins on any given day. Is this what you mean, Grandpa Dick?

Photo: Credit

I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be referring to any of the roles you might have seen me portray on television, stage, or on a movie screen, because the solution there is pretty strongly hinted at in the words “role” and “portray”, Grandpa Dick.

As far as the apparent admonition “not exactly the persona my granddaughter would be drawn to…”, I am again left scratching my head. Your bio reads “grandpa to lil bear”, so I’m assuming that your intimation, Grandpa Dick, is that Lil Bear would not be attracted to me? Is that what you mean? If so, that is a relief, because I am happily married and have been with my wife for 22 years or so. So, I’m not in the market for drawing anybody’s granddaughter by any stretch of the imagination. I have no idea what age Lil Bear might be, but whatever it is, it comes across as a little creepy that you’re soliciting a romance with a Substack writer on her behalf. Does Lil Bear know that you’re online critiquing the facial expressions of strangers with some sort of archaic matchmaking sensibility?

By and large, people generally tend to find my demeanor to be pretty pleasant, Grandpa Dick. I tend to err on the side of mirth, to offset my love of hard work, and I also love people, so I usually communicate an affection to them in one manner or another. I hope that these revelations will help you to comprehend that you might be leaning toward judging a book by its (professional) cover in some way, a habit that I believe is generally frowned upon in most forward-thinking circles.


This is a free Thursday post, although it’s Saturday in America. I’m in Scotland, on an island to boot. If you want to leave a question for me to answer, please do so in the comments, and if you want to see all the tawdry extra stuff, then please become a paid subscriber. Thank you kindly from one tuckered out donkey.

Donkey Thoughts with Nick Offerman
Donkey Thoughts with Nick Offerman
More Carrots, Less Sticks
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