Welcome to Donkey Thoughts
Hello there. Pull up a bucket.
Don’t fret, that bucket’s for sitting on—I’m not going to put you to work just yet. I’d love to offer you one of those cushioned bucket seat/lids, but I’m afraid those are considered rather gauche in my circle. My name is Nick Offerman, and you have arrived at my figurative barnyard, where I stubbornly labor, donkey-like, at the tasks life has set before me. I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require, which could mean crafting a canoe paddle, smoking a pork shoulder, or attempting to write some content that might be helpful in some way, or at least relatively amusing. While occupied with these rewarding chores, I also tend to ponder many of life’s mysteries, from the complex (is there a god?) to the banal (linseed oil or tung? aioli or straight mayo? stone ground or golden brown mustard? shit, Dijon?) even as I am working away on the regenerative farm in my brain. Hence: Donkey Thoughts.
You might know me from TV work like Parks and Recreation, Pam & Tommy, Colin in Black and White, Fargo or DEVS, or films like We’re The Millers, The Hero, Infinity Baby, The Founder or Hearts Beat Loud. I have voiced animated fare like The Great North, The Lego Movie and Three Below. There are plenty more titles of which I am proud, but what could be more tedious than me listing my every episode of The Gilmour Girls. It’s also possible that you generally eschew all such popular culture offerings but instead know me from my Los Angeles-based woodshop or my humble contributions to the world of fine woodworking. Or perhaps you know one of my books?
Whatever the case may be, I’m grateful to have you here today. And I'm hoping it won't be a one-sided conversation. I get asked a lot of interesting questions on a pretty regular basis, on social media, in public forums, and by my exquisite wife Megan on the occasions she lets me in the house. As I've learned from performing press and book tours, particularly activities like Reddit AMAs, one of my favorite things to do is eyeball a list of such questions from my readers (like you, with any luck), carefully cherry-pick the questions that aren’t too frightening or bacon-centric, and attempt to answer them with the limited tools with which Mother Nature has provided me. I don’t bring a hell of a lot of expertise to the table, so the “good” part for you is ostensibly the demeanor and cadence I employ as I deliver each attempted Donkey Thought. I don’t know. I have a healthy grasp of my fallibility as a human, which makes every day a potential learning experience, and I relish the notion of conversing together in this forum. On the other hand, my stubborn ignorance can at times find me rather out over my skis in any given subject matter. Together, perhaps you’ll help me make the sagacious shift to snowshoes.
Sometimes I’ll include a voice recording of my answers, or a photo, or even a little video (pending me figuring out how to “place” said video on this “platform”), or maybe I’ll figure out a way to treat you to some of my favorite smells. I have read that, when it comes to the senses, the olfactory is “where it’s at”. If you like to hear slow-talking or watching a medium-looking white guy in his fifties try to find his figurative ass with both hands, then this might be just the subscription for you. I repeat, it will be flawed.
All of this content will be delivered twice a week, usually on Thursday and Saturday (which is where I’ll plant some of the juicier carrots). So you’ll have Sunday to recover before greeting the world again on Monday after some hardcore weekend thinking, donkey-style. It’ll all be free for the first month or so, and then the capitalism kicks in. Daddy needs to replenish his sandpaper drawer (80-320 grit: anything finer is gilding the lily). The text version will always be free, but if you want to be able to ask questions or see the bonus materials, which may or may not include some minor nudity, or eventually imbibe the scents(!), you’ll need to subscribe. It’s extortion, yes, but at least I’m up front about it.
If you want to try this out, I offer my sincere thanks. If not, thank you for your candor and clear-headed decision-making skills, and you actually don’t have to worry about the door hitting you in the ass, because I know how to hang a goddamn door. In either case, please join me in thinking about who is producing our food and how, and then vote with your ballots and your dollars to support small agriculture.
What do you get when you use a 50% off coupon at the proctologist.......a half ass job. And if I remember right, you should never half ass two things, but whole ass one thing. That brings me to my next comment - I thoroughly enjoy reading what you have written. I would be remiss if I said that was the end of what I have to say.....but it's not.
One (just starting off here) - I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan. When I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or an in between day, I watch it and I'm back to feeling like myself. I simply wish Pawnee was a real place. I actually created a quiz based on all 7 seasons that I made my coworkers take after making them all watch this show because I believe in it that much. They didn't do so great on the quiz, but that's a story for another time.
Two (whoa there slow down!) - My aunt lives in Minooka. She is friends with your sister, the amazing and talented librarian (because we don't hate librarians. I work for an education company speaking with librarians all day long). They are the innovators and glue that hold the education system in place. I greatly enjoy Minooka and Channahon and have traveled there many times in my life from Northern Illinois.
Three (I really made it this far?) - This is a debate my son insists he has "bested" me on. Now I pose this question to you - if Ant-Man traveled inside of Thanos's anus and expanded, would he be crushed to death? I'll save my answer for later.
Four (This might be my last) - My friend and I saw your laughing matters tour in Indianapolis in 2019. We both found the location to be quit fitting seeing as how it's the home state of the great city of Pawnee.
I'm done for now, but I leave you with this - live long and prosper in your righteous truth.
You write really well! You write like you talk--which makes me think of red meat, red cedar, and eagles flowing over mountain streams.