Hello there. Pull up a bucket. Don’t fret, that bucket’s for sitting on—I’m not going to put you to work just yet. I’d love to offer you one of those cushioned bucket seat/lids, but I’m afraid those are considered rather gauche in my circle. My name is Nick Offerman, and you have arrived at my figurative barnyard, where I stubbornly labor, donkey-like, at the tasks life has set before me. I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require, which could mean crafting a canoe paddle, smoking a pork shoulder, or attempting to write some content that might be helpful in some way. Within these rewarding chores, I also tend to ponder many of life’s mysteries, from the complex (is there a god?) to the banal (linseed oil or tung? aioli or straight mayo? stone ground or golden brown mustard? shit, Dijon?) even as I am working away on the regenerative farm in my brain. Hence: Donkey Thoughts.
Good afternoon sir. Big greetings to you from Russia from Cold Siberia, the small village of Karluk, which is located 100 km from Lake Baikal.
I want to thank you for everything you do. Thanks to you and your hero Ron Swanson, I finally decided on an old dream - I took up woodworking. So far I'm just getting the initial experience, but I like it. I started setting up a small workshop in my garage.
My 5-year-old son Fedor, when we look at parks and recreation areas, calls you "Mustache of Power". In some way he is right.
What do you get when you use a 50% off coupon at the proctologist.......a half ass job. And if I remember right, you should never half ass two things, but whole ass one thing. That brings me to my next comment - I thoroughly enjoy reading what you have written. I would be remiss if I said that was the end of what I have to say.....but it's not.
One (just starting off here) - I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan. When I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or an in between day, I watch it and I'm back to feeling like myself. I simply wish Pawnee was a real place. I actually created a quiz based on all 7 seasons that I made my coworkers take after making them all watch this show because I believe in it that much. They didn't do so great on the quiz, but that's a story for another time.
Two (whoa there slow down!) - My aunt lives in Minooka. She is friends with your sister, the amazing and talented librarian (because we don't hate librarians. I work for an education company speaking with librarians all day long). They are the innovators and glue that hold the education system in place. I greatly enjoy Minooka and Channahon and have traveled there many times in my life from Northern Illinois.
Three (I really made it this far?) - This is a debate my son insists he has "bested" me on. Now I pose this question to you - if Ant-Man traveled inside of Thanos's anus and expanded, would he be crushed to death? I'll save my answer for later.
Four (This might be my last) - My friend and I saw your laughing matters tour in Indianapolis in 2019. We both found the location to be quit fitting seeing as how it's the home state of the great city of Pawnee.
I'm done for now, but I leave you with this - live long and prosper in your righteous truth.
I also have wished Pawnee was real and Nick being an actual fine woodworker further blurs the lines. Can it be that he can actually carve a harp after myriad scotches?
Hey Nick. I’m a fan of your audio books, particularly Paddle Your Own Canoe. And it sounds like you’re quite the woodworker. My skillset in that realm falls more in the weekend warrior category. So perhaps you can advise me here. I am attempting to refresh the look of the stairway in our home. We plan to use horizontal steel balusters. This will require me to drill fifty six 5/8” holes at a 32° angle into some red oak Newell posts. I have a very limited shop. No drill press. Have you encountered such a challenge? Any idea how I can build a serviceable jig to accomplish the effect?
By the by, I’m in Bloomington, just down the road from your Channahon stomping grounds.
Just found this place(because in my ignorance and the rock I live under, I didn't realize that Nick is a phenomenal woodworker.)
Anyway, I did some investigating for you and I have some answers...
Yes, there is a God.
Boiled Linseed oil if it's a side table that someone might set down a glass and be so uncivilized to not use a coaster, otherwise tung. Or just be a rebel and mix 'em 50/50.
Always mayo. Unless the dish is Mediterranean inspired, then Aioli.
Stone Ground is superior to all other forms of mustard. Especially on brats. And if you break out Dijon, you might as well get some cushioned bucket lids while you're at it.
I am not sure where we are supposed to ask questions of you, Nick, however I thought I would throw one in here in the event that as you kick off your journey on this new platform, perhaps these comments will be a suitable spot for one.
If you ever found yourself the distinct misfortune of becoming the Grand Dictator of Humankind, with the further tragedy of being unable to vacate the role, what would be your first edict, mandatory for every human being to follow?
I have secretly cast Nick Offerman in my mind as Paul Sellers in a tv series (which only exists in my mind) that would be similar to the PBS series I saw in the 80s of All Creatures Great and Small (and yes, I know they have relaunched that). Except the focus would be woodworking. Paul Sellers lived in the UK, then Texas, then back to the UK. It would be awesome. Just wonder how good of an English accent Nick can pull off.
Really glad to have you here, Nick. The hubs, all three kiddos, and I are fans of your work. We're in a shitstorm right now and need all hands on deck. Thanks for showing up.
Welcome to ever-growing, expansive, and evolving world of Substack publishing. Congratulations to you as well on the ability to leverage your success into a financially supported sandpaper hoarding business for expertly smoothing your coarse wood. We can’t all get paid to rub our wood, so tip of the hat to those that do.
I know it’s early in the lifespan of “Donkey Thoughts”, but a sub heading cams to mind for some of your more irascible moments. Mule Musings. This keeps the theme alive but offers stubborn variations. Best of luck sir with your venture. I look forward to your musings.
> I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require
That's said so succulently that I can't express enough how damn much I like that phrase! It's also very... Motivating, I guess? Mentoring, even. Like, I've read what seemed as a simple phrase, casually thrown out there, but it somehow highlighted that we’re all, in a way, just trying to make the best of the plow we’ve been handed today — and that’s perfectly okay. It was an unexpected moment of validation from the outside. Thanks a lot.
I’ve loved your work in films and tv, but my husband discovered your woodworking videos and that hooked both of us. He started doing woodworking a few years ago because of your videos. He practiced the things you taught and last year he was able to build all of our kitchen cabinets and we couldn’t be any more proud.
I’m glad to see you on this platform and I look forward to your future posts.
Good afternoon sir. Big greetings to you from Russia from Cold Siberia, the small village of Karluk, which is located 100 km from Lake Baikal.
I want to thank you for everything you do. Thanks to you and your hero Ron Swanson, I finally decided on an old dream - I took up woodworking. So far I'm just getting the initial experience, but I like it. I started setting up a small workshop in my garage.
My 5-year-old son Fedor, when we look at parks and recreation areas, calls you "Mustache of Power". In some way he is right.
Health to you and your family from my family.
Sorry for my English.
Boris.
What do you get when you use a 50% off coupon at the proctologist.......a half ass job. And if I remember right, you should never half ass two things, but whole ass one thing. That brings me to my next comment - I thoroughly enjoy reading what you have written. I would be remiss if I said that was the end of what I have to say.....but it's not.
One (just starting off here) - I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan. When I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or an in between day, I watch it and I'm back to feeling like myself. I simply wish Pawnee was a real place. I actually created a quiz based on all 7 seasons that I made my coworkers take after making them all watch this show because I believe in it that much. They didn't do so great on the quiz, but that's a story for another time.
Two (whoa there slow down!) - My aunt lives in Minooka. She is friends with your sister, the amazing and talented librarian (because we don't hate librarians. I work for an education company speaking with librarians all day long). They are the innovators and glue that hold the education system in place. I greatly enjoy Minooka and Channahon and have traveled there many times in my life from Northern Illinois.
Three (I really made it this far?) - This is a debate my son insists he has "bested" me on. Now I pose this question to you - if Ant-Man traveled inside of Thanos's anus and expanded, would he be crushed to death? I'll save my answer for later.
Four (This might be my last) - My friend and I saw your laughing matters tour in Indianapolis in 2019. We both found the location to be quit fitting seeing as how it's the home state of the great city of Pawnee.
I'm done for now, but I leave you with this - live long and prosper in your righteous truth.
I also have wished Pawnee was real and Nick being an actual fine woodworker further blurs the lines. Can it be that he can actually carve a harp after myriad scotches?
Hey Nick. I’m a fan of your audio books, particularly Paddle Your Own Canoe. And it sounds like you’re quite the woodworker. My skillset in that realm falls more in the weekend warrior category. So perhaps you can advise me here. I am attempting to refresh the look of the stairway in our home. We plan to use horizontal steel balusters. This will require me to drill fifty six 5/8” holes at a 32° angle into some red oak Newell posts. I have a very limited shop. No drill press. Have you encountered such a challenge? Any idea how I can build a serviceable jig to accomplish the effect?
By the by, I’m in Bloomington, just down the road from your Channahon stomping grounds.
You write really well! You write like you talk--which makes me think of red meat, red cedar, and eagles flowing over mountain streams.
I think a woodworker might think of Boris’ location in terms of Baltic Birch rather than red cedar.
One republican flipped yesterday… 5 more seats going up in the next 60 days from Maine to Florida. WAKE UP! VOTE AT YOUR PRIMARIES,
Just found this place(because in my ignorance and the rock I live under, I didn't realize that Nick is a phenomenal woodworker.)
Anyway, I did some investigating for you and I have some answers...
Yes, there is a God.
Boiled Linseed oil if it's a side table that someone might set down a glass and be so uncivilized to not use a coaster, otherwise tung. Or just be a rebel and mix 'em 50/50.
Always mayo. Unless the dish is Mediterranean inspired, then Aioli.
Stone Ground is superior to all other forms of mustard. Especially on brats. And if you break out Dijon, you might as well get some cushioned bucket lids while you're at it.
Good grief this place feels like home already.
I am not sure where we are supposed to ask questions of you, Nick, however I thought I would throw one in here in the event that as you kick off your journey on this new platform, perhaps these comments will be a suitable spot for one.
If you ever found yourself the distinct misfortune of becoming the Grand Dictator of Humankind, with the further tragedy of being unable to vacate the role, what would be your first edict, mandatory for every human being to follow?
I have secretly cast Nick Offerman in my mind as Paul Sellers in a tv series (which only exists in my mind) that would be similar to the PBS series I saw in the 80s of All Creatures Great and Small (and yes, I know they have relaunched that). Except the focus would be woodworking. Paul Sellers lived in the UK, then Texas, then back to the UK. It would be awesome. Just wonder how good of an English accent Nick can pull off.
Hello, from the great white North ( no that is not a political statement)
Really glad to have you here, Nick. The hubs, all three kiddos, and I are fans of your work. We're in a shitstorm right now and need all hands on deck. Thanks for showing up.
Welcome to ever-growing, expansive, and evolving world of Substack publishing. Congratulations to you as well on the ability to leverage your success into a financially supported sandpaper hoarding business for expertly smoothing your coarse wood. We can’t all get paid to rub our wood, so tip of the hat to those that do.
I know it’s early in the lifespan of “Donkey Thoughts”, but a sub heading cams to mind for some of your more irascible moments. Mule Musings. This keeps the theme alive but offers stubborn variations. Best of luck sir with your venture. I look forward to your musings.
> I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require
That's said so succulently that I can't express enough how damn much I like that phrase! It's also very... Motivating, I guess? Mentoring, even. Like, I've read what seemed as a simple phrase, casually thrown out there, but it somehow highlighted that we’re all, in a way, just trying to make the best of the plow we’ve been handed today — and that’s perfectly okay. It was an unexpected moment of validation from the outside. Thanks a lot.
This is my cue to pick up 'Paddle Your Own Canoe' from the shelves now :)
Wait until their SNAP benefits end! They will fight for a space to graze with their cows!
I can't think of many voices that are more refreshing for this moment of collective angst than yours. Thank you for showing up.
I’ve loved your work in films and tv, but my husband discovered your woodworking videos and that hooked both of us. He started doing woodworking a few years ago because of your videos. He practiced the things you taught and last year he was able to build all of our kitchen cabinets and we couldn’t be any more proud.
I’m glad to see you on this platform and I look forward to your future posts.