Hello there. Pull up a bucket. Don’t fret, that bucket’s for sitting on—I’m not going to put you to work just yet. I’d love to offer you one of those cushioned bucket seat/lids, but I’m afraid those are considered rather gauche in my circle. My name is Nick Offerman, and you have arrived at my figurative barnyard, where I stubbornly labor, donkey-like, at the tasks life has set before me. I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require, which could mean crafting a canoe paddle, smoking a pork shoulder, or attempting to write some content that might be helpful in some way. Within these rewarding chores, I also tend to ponder many of life’s mysteries, from the complex (is there a god?) to the banal (linseed oil or tung? aioli or straight mayo? stone ground or golden brown mustard? shit, Dijon?) even as I am working away on the regenerative farm in my brain. Hence: Donkey Thoughts.
What do you get when you use a 50% off coupon at the proctologist.......a half ass job. And if I remember right, you should never half ass two things, but whole ass one thing. That brings me to my next comment - I thoroughly enjoy reading what you have written. I would be remiss if I said that was the end of what I have to say.....but it's not.
One (just starting off here) - I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan. When I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or an in between day, I watch it and I'm back to feeling like myself. I simply wish Pawnee was a real place. I actually created a quiz based on all 7 seasons that I made my coworkers take after making them all watch this show because I believe in it that much. They didn't do so great on the quiz, but that's a story for another time.
Two (whoa there slow down!) - My aunt lives in Minooka. She is friends with your sister, the amazing and talented librarian (because we don't hate librarians. I work for an education company speaking with librarians all day long). They are the innovators and glue that hold the education system in place. I greatly enjoy Minooka and Channahon and have traveled there many times in my life from Northern Illinois.
Three (I really made it this far?) - This is a debate my son insists he has "bested" me on. Now I pose this question to you - if Ant-Man traveled inside of Thanos's anus and expanded, would he be crushed to death? I'll save my answer for later.
Four (This might be my last) - My friend and I saw your laughing matters tour in Indianapolis in 2019. We both found the location to be quit fitting seeing as how it's the home state of the great city of Pawnee.
I'm done for now, but I leave you with this - live long and prosper in your righteous truth.
Good afternoon sir. Big greetings to you from Russia from Cold Siberia, the small village of Karluk, which is located 100 km from Lake Baikal.
I want to thank you for everything you do. Thanks to you and your hero Ron Swanson, I finally decided on an old dream - I took up woodworking. So far I'm just getting the initial experience, but I like it. I started setting up a small workshop in my garage.
My 5-year-old son Fedor, when we look at parks and recreation areas, calls you "Mustache of Power". In some way he is right.
I have secretly cast Nick Offerman in my mind as Paul Sellers in a tv series (which only exists in my mind) that would be similar to the PBS series I saw in the 80s of All Creatures Great and Small (and yes, I know they have relaunched that). Except the focus would be woodworking. Paul Sellers lived in the UK, then Texas, then back to the UK. It would be awesome. Just wonder how good of an English accent Nick can pull off.
I am not sure where we are supposed to ask questions of you, Nick, however I thought I would throw one in here in the event that as you kick off your journey on this new platform, perhaps these comments will be a suitable spot for one.
If you ever found yourself the distinct misfortune of becoming the Grand Dictator of Humankind, with the further tragedy of being unable to vacate the role, what would be your first edict, mandatory for every human being to follow?
Trump’s defiance of the courts is pushing America toward a constitutional breaking point—with J.D. Vance laying the groundwork. If no one enforces the law, does the law still exist? This article I wrote lays out the terrifying answer—and what happens next.
> I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require
That's said so succulently that I can't express enough how damn much I like that phrase! It's also very... Motivating, I guess? Mentoring, even. Like, I've read what seemed as a simple phrase, casually thrown out there, but it somehow highlighted that we’re all, in a way, just trying to make the best of the plow we’ve been handed today — and that’s perfectly okay. It was an unexpected moment of validation from the outside. Thanks a lot.
Loved your book,”Where The Deer And The Antelope Play.” Nothing like hearing a kindred spirit. Your total approach exceptional. Thx much. Keith in Bradenton,Fl.
Just found this place(because in my ignorance and the rock I live under, I didn't realize that Nick is a phenomenal woodworker.)
Anyway, I did some investigating for you and I have some answers...
Yes, there is a God.
Boiled Linseed oil if it's a side table that someone might set down a glass and be so uncivilized to not use a coaster, otherwise tung. Or just be a rebel and mix 'em 50/50.
Always mayo. Unless the dish is Mediterranean inspired, then Aioli.
Stone Ground is superior to all other forms of mustard. Especially on brats. And if you break out Dijon, you might as well get some cushioned bucket lids while you're at it.
As much as I love reading your stuff, or listening to you, I actually wanted to gift your wife with one of my stories to read -- or is it listen to? I think it's one of them listen to doo-dads. Anyway, I believe this is a story she will absolutely fall in love with.
Now, whether you give it to her so she can sit in bed with her iPad and a) read the story, or b) listen to it is up to you I suppose. But it could be a thoughtful Valentine's Day. She might even shed a tear reading it.
Am I still subscribed to you from before, or do I have to resubscribe? Curiouser and curiouser, don't you think?
Yay! I may not be able to swim with the sharks of capitalism with you, but sure enjoy your representation of true masculinity. I always smile inside when I recognize you or your voice in sometime watching. Especially enjoyed the tone, spirit, and sweet silly energy of your crafting show with Ms. Poehler. I hope the powers that be are working to make another season of that happen. The spinoff was cool too!
I had the pleasure of getting to meet your dear wife years ago when I was visiting my friend Sandy who did craft services for OG W&G. Such a warm, friendly human she is!
Anyhoo, glad I’ll get a peep into your brain every once in a while. If y’all end up starting a commune to weather coming days, sign me up! 😜
What do you get when you use a 50% off coupon at the proctologist.......a half ass job. And if I remember right, you should never half ass two things, but whole ass one thing. That brings me to my next comment - I thoroughly enjoy reading what you have written. I would be remiss if I said that was the end of what I have to say.....but it's not.
One (just starting off here) - I'm a huge Parks and Rec fan. When I'm having a bad day, or a good day, or an in between day, I watch it and I'm back to feeling like myself. I simply wish Pawnee was a real place. I actually created a quiz based on all 7 seasons that I made my coworkers take after making them all watch this show because I believe in it that much. They didn't do so great on the quiz, but that's a story for another time.
Two (whoa there slow down!) - My aunt lives in Minooka. She is friends with your sister, the amazing and talented librarian (because we don't hate librarians. I work for an education company speaking with librarians all day long). They are the innovators and glue that hold the education system in place. I greatly enjoy Minooka and Channahon and have traveled there many times in my life from Northern Illinois.
Three (I really made it this far?) - This is a debate my son insists he has "bested" me on. Now I pose this question to you - if Ant-Man traveled inside of Thanos's anus and expanded, would he be crushed to death? I'll save my answer for later.
Four (This might be my last) - My friend and I saw your laughing matters tour in Indianapolis in 2019. We both found the location to be quit fitting seeing as how it's the home state of the great city of Pawnee.
I'm done for now, but I leave you with this - live long and prosper in your righteous truth.
You write really well! You write like you talk--which makes me think of red meat, red cedar, and eagles flowing over mountain streams.
Good afternoon sir. Big greetings to you from Russia from Cold Siberia, the small village of Karluk, which is located 100 km from Lake Baikal.
I want to thank you for everything you do. Thanks to you and your hero Ron Swanson, I finally decided on an old dream - I took up woodworking. So far I'm just getting the initial experience, but I like it. I started setting up a small workshop in my garage.
My 5-year-old son Fedor, when we look at parks and recreation areas, calls you "Mustache of Power". In some way he is right.
Health to you and your family from my family.
Sorry for my English.
Boris.
I have secretly cast Nick Offerman in my mind as Paul Sellers in a tv series (which only exists in my mind) that would be similar to the PBS series I saw in the 80s of All Creatures Great and Small (and yes, I know they have relaunched that). Except the focus would be woodworking. Paul Sellers lived in the UK, then Texas, then back to the UK. It would be awesome. Just wonder how good of an English accent Nick can pull off.
Hello, from the great white North ( no that is not a political statement)
I am not sure where we are supposed to ask questions of you, Nick, however I thought I would throw one in here in the event that as you kick off your journey on this new platform, perhaps these comments will be a suitable spot for one.
If you ever found yourself the distinct misfortune of becoming the Grand Dictator of Humankind, with the further tragedy of being unable to vacate the role, what would be your first edict, mandatory for every human being to follow?
One republican flipped yesterday… 5 more seats going up in the next 60 days from Maine to Florida. WAKE UP! VOTE AT YOUR PRIMARIES,
This is my cue to pick up 'Paddle Your Own Canoe' from the shelves now :)
Trump’s defiance of the courts is pushing America toward a constitutional breaking point—with J.D. Vance laying the groundwork. If no one enforces the law, does the law still exist? This article I wrote lays out the terrifying answer—and what happens next.
https://jasonegenberg.substack.com/p/what-happens-if-trump-defies-a-court
> I do my best to pull whatever plow the day’s field might require
That's said so succulently that I can't express enough how damn much I like that phrase! It's also very... Motivating, I guess? Mentoring, even. Like, I've read what seemed as a simple phrase, casually thrown out there, but it somehow highlighted that we’re all, in a way, just trying to make the best of the plow we’ve been handed today — and that’s perfectly okay. It was an unexpected moment of validation from the outside. Thanks a lot.
Loved your book,”Where The Deer And The Antelope Play.” Nothing like hearing a kindred spirit. Your total approach exceptional. Thx much. Keith in Bradenton,Fl.
Just found this place(because in my ignorance and the rock I live under, I didn't realize that Nick is a phenomenal woodworker.)
Anyway, I did some investigating for you and I have some answers...
Yes, there is a God.
Boiled Linseed oil if it's a side table that someone might set down a glass and be so uncivilized to not use a coaster, otherwise tung. Or just be a rebel and mix 'em 50/50.
Always mayo. Unless the dish is Mediterranean inspired, then Aioli.
Stone Ground is superior to all other forms of mustard. Especially on brats. And if you break out Dijon, you might as well get some cushioned bucket lids while you're at it.
Good grief this place feels like home already.
Happy you are here, Nick! Enjoying your show back at your home in the wilderness.
Awesome. So glad you have a publication.
As much as I love reading your stuff, or listening to you, I actually wanted to gift your wife with one of my stories to read -- or is it listen to? I think it's one of them listen to doo-dads. Anyway, I believe this is a story she will absolutely fall in love with.
This is the link to it:
https://open.substack.com/pub/benwoestenburg/p/the-truth-of-who-we-are?r=254e8w&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Now, whether you give it to her so she can sit in bed with her iPad and a) read the story, or b) listen to it is up to you I suppose. But it could be a thoughtful Valentine's Day. She might even shed a tear reading it.
Am I still subscribed to you from before, or do I have to resubscribe? Curiouser and curiouser, don't you think?
Yay! I may not be able to swim with the sharks of capitalism with you, but sure enjoy your representation of true masculinity. I always smile inside when I recognize you or your voice in sometime watching. Especially enjoyed the tone, spirit, and sweet silly energy of your crafting show with Ms. Poehler. I hope the powers that be are working to make another season of that happen. The spinoff was cool too!
I had the pleasure of getting to meet your dear wife years ago when I was visiting my friend Sandy who did craft services for OG W&G. Such a warm, friendly human she is!
Anyhoo, glad I’ll get a peep into your brain every once in a while. If y’all end up starting a commune to weather coming days, sign me up! 😜